just not smart like that

The things we tell ourselves, where do they go after we say them? Do they just disappear? Do the thngs we say, that create a feeling that create a memory stay stuck somewhere forever? The story that attaches itself to an emotion, where does it go?

It doesn’t go away.

In a lot of cases, it actually plays on loop your entire life.

Grade 7 Science. Mr C sent me home with a D, no heads up to my parents that I was struggling. I mean sure, I knew it was hard for me. Somewhere along the way that year, I figured out why science was hard for me. I just wasn’t “smart like that”

wow.

That one moment, that one emotion that created that story has played on loop my entire life. That one moment, that one emotion that created that story, is the reason I haven’t done a lot of things in my life. I have held back doing a lot of things in this life simply because “im not smart like that.”

While working through a module for my 200 hour Meditation Teacher Training, I got confused during a history lesson, and I watched it happen.

“Fuck why did I think I could do this, this is history, it’s hard, how do you not know this already, Fee, you’re just not smart like that”

I heard it. I heard it LOUD. Though this time, I heard it through different ears, I heard it as a memory. I can’t quite explain that part. But it was a memory, and in that moment as I relived that story, I also watched it die. It was time to push stop on that reel, that had quite literally been on repeat for almost 25 years. It had taught me all that it was suppose to. It hurt me so deeply that I will never forget but it made me so strong that I can now let it go.

That little girl who lived most of her childhood thinking she wasn’t as smart as her friends, that she couldn’t get into University, so she didn’t bother applying, that was ashamed of certain jobs she had because they were “just silly jobs”, that got tripped up on a Buddhism history lesson, that girl, is the strongest girl I know.

I understand now.

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